Charlie Spendlove
Loose cannon Spendlove shoots first then asks the questions. Toffo munching Spendlove hates crime despite causing more than he actually prevents. Together with Chastity has brought down major criminals such as Lomax, Lierberman and Carnal Butcher.
Clitoris Chastity
The wise cracking ladies man, Chastity always has a rude quip for any situation. Wears a striped bobble hat in rememberance of Benny Johnson.
Saphron Lieberman
Criminal mastermind and demon bass player first appeared in The Big Cheese. Plans to take over the world with petty crime and shoddy consumer goods.
Chief Tony Quim
In charge of the LAPD but is more interested in feeding his face than cracking crime. He'll make sure all the pies have been consumed before even considering any work.
Stimple Magillacutty
Chief Quim's homosexual second in command and right hand man with a serious drinking problem.
French Fries
Saphron Lieberman's right hand man and deadly assassin. Can handle a bat better than anyone else on the planet but can't cook to save his life.
Eight Ball
Lieberman's new recruit and part time bra salesman. Eight Ball is a master of the prank phone call.

Luke Kirk
Ex-Police Chief turned mysterious old man with special powers. Kirk believes that Chastity and Spendlove will bring order and balance to the police force.

Joey Kingsmill
Russian asylum seeking Joey's real name is Josef Knitsville. He will take any job so he won't be deported.
The Gay Prince
Magillacutty's lover and a rookie detective, The Gay Prince loves salt and vinegar crisps.
Fat Joey Sponge
The local stool pidgeon runs a trendy Tapas Bar. He'll only give information if you sing to him.
Johnny Chastity
Chastity's popstar brother is a global superstar and adored by millions. However, his addiction to pornography will be his downfall.